My wife, Kristi, has decided that she is a pirate. She regularly announces her decision during personal conversations, family dinners, business meetings, bar crawls, grocery checkout lines and sometimes to the person next to her in traffic. She makes her proclamations with great enthusiasm and gusto. Her broad grin and flashing eyes make it hard to take her seriously. The only thing that makes people occasionally think she is for real is the total conviction in her voice. Occasionally someone will pause and ask “Really?” while glancing down at her bright pink Croc shoes. To which she grins back “Yeah, really. I am a pirate.”
For those of us who know her well, the pirating life was a big shock, mainly because she is the least pirate like person you will ever meet. She has never stolen great amounts of booty. She doesn’t own a boat or cannon. Aside from her Dollar Store plastic cutlass and musket I don’t think she has ever held a weapon of any kind. I wouldn’t describe her wardrobe as “Pirate Like” in any way. Most of her closet is full of patchwork hippie chick skirts, brightly colored shirts and a collection of vintage racing and bowling button downs. Most of these items are in her favorite color – bright pink.
After the first two months of her making her pirating declarations everywhere we go I decided to point out the inconsistencies. It didn’t seem to matter. I should correct that: she didn’t seem to care other than to start buying any article of clothing that had bright pink skull and crossbones on it. I had no idea that women could get any item of clothing with a pink skull and crossbones emblazoned across it but evidently you can. So now her wardrobe is supplemented with the proper pirate gear. Namely slip on sneakers with a grid of pink skull and crossbones, skull and crossbones socks in black and pink, and a “Pirates Wanted” advertisement t-shirt. She makes sure to wear her pink underwear with a black skull and crossbones, you know, “For variety”. To top off the ensemble she has a matching skull and crossbones wallet where the skull has a pink bow on it’s head and puckered pink Marilyn Monroe lips. She tells me that this accessory is a necessity because it ensures that no one mistakes her for a boy pirate. Obviously there are a lot of boy pirates running around with huge falsies in bright pink skull and crossbones bras.
Aside from the constant entertainment, I have learned a lot of information about pirates from the growing collection of pirate kid’s books that she has collected over the last 3 years. (She only buys kid’s books, insisting that they are the only good books available.)
What I now know about pirates.
1. Pirates, for the most part lived on democratically run ships.
2. Often, out of boredom, boy pirates would dress in hot pink drag.
3. Currently there are pirates that operate all over the world.
4. Blackbeard was a crazy dude that put lit fuses under his hat to scare people with his smoking head.
5. Pirates are cooler than Ninjas. (I will still dispute this but Kristi insists that they are.)
6. For the few pirates that made it to retirement age, usually a life as a rich land baron was in store.
I guess that I have come to terms with being married to pirate dressed like a flamingo. This is especially true if that rich land baron part is for real.
Happy Anniversary Kristi!